Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
