I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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