Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
