If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
