Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
