omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i love accidental penises.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize