she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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