You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize