ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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