i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
