life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
His hands were made for my vagina.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
