it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
