I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
