official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
