Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
