Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
