He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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