Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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