Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
