Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
