I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
