please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize