Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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