For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
