I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize