I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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