i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
