My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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