please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
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