wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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