apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
