I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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