Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
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