just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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