and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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