Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
