Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
