Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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