There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
