Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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