If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
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