he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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