I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
