$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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