My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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