Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
