I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
