yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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