I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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