You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
