At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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