So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
that is very illegal...i love you.
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