Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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