I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
