Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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