Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
